I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
