did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
