Don't make out with my wife yet
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
