Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
