I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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