his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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