You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
