I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
