Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
