omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
