I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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