hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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