Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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