I think my vagina is haunted
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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