4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
