i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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