mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
