you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
