If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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