So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
