i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well I just put wine in my tea
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
