nut hugger
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
