The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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