I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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