The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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