I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
