i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
