There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
