this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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