the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
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Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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