The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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