I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
