And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize