On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
