I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
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better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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