wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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