I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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