I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
