Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
