Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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