I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
