So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
