my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
