I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
