I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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