no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
