I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
