my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize