i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my shit smells like andre
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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