wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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