but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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