We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
