i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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