tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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