he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
