if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
