Your face is a jimmy john
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
