Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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