just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
