I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
