using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
