So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
